Best Laid Plans

For the past 5-ish years now, the DID has been in remission (in a manner of speaking). Basically, I haven’t been actively switching or losing time or dealing with any of the other chaos that comes with it. That led to its own complications, but I eventually learned how to live a whole life on my own. I’d only ever been responsible for parts of it like school and work, household responsibilities, and scheduled obligations. It took a while to get used to it, but I began setting goals for myself and built a life that I’m pretty happy with.

I naively went back into therapy thinking that I could keep living life the way that I had been while going back and working on some of the underlying issues. I only went back because I thought it would be a good idea to get my act all the way together before becoming a mother. I have no desire to pass on the craziness that was passed down to me. Also, I’m working on a degree in psychology and I wanted to get all organized and healthy so that I can actually help other people. The only problem with this plan is that I neglected to account for how difficult and time consuming therapy would be.

These were my plans before this realization:

  • Study abroad for a semester during second semester of 2010/11
  • Graduate from college in 2012
  • Finish therapy by the end of the summer or 2012
  • Go off to graduate school in the fall of 2012
  • Be married and working on a family (hopefully) by the end of 2014
  • Finish graduate school with my PhD or PsyD in 2017

Yesterday, Therapist decided to put on his other hat (he’s apparently an undercover member of the reality police) and give me a MAJOR reality check. According to him, DID therapy is hard, time-consuming work that can be really disruptive at times. Because of what’s happened to my system in more recent years, therapy is progressing really slowly. Here’s what my plan looks like NOW based on what he said in his email (I’m not even the slightest bit happy about it):

  • Skip studying abroad to stay in the states and do therapy
  • Graduate from college in 2012
  • Only go off to grad school in 2012 if it’s close enough to commute back for therapy (if not, grad school gets to wait a while)
  • Maybe start looking for a permanent relationship at some point after 2012?? 2014?? Maybe??
  • Maybe graduate from grad school in 2017, but maybe later…much later

I’m frustrated. I laid out my life and now I’ve got to change the plan. Also, I have to find time to do therapy work outside of therapy. Now, this may seem rather obvious. I doubt that many people think they can go to therapy for an hour a week and be cured without doing any work on their own. However, carving time out of the life I’ve built to devote to therapy crap means taking time away from other things that I love to do.

I know I have to do this now to have the life I want later, but I don’t want to take time out of the life I have now to do that. I like my life, and I want to keep living it the way it is. I’ll just have to work to find a new balance.

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~ by Kj on February 24, 2010.

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