Nutella, religion, and birthday cake

My birthday was on Friday, but I was too sick to enjoy it. Luckily, I truly do have some of the most amazing friends in the entire world. They bought me a birthday cake and tried for two days to manipulate me into coming over so they could surprise me. My schedule, however, was NOT cooperating. Yesterday, I finally got a text message telling me that they and a cake were waiting for me and I needed to come over. They really are fantastic. I walked in and they all yelled for me to go back out and come in again. I figured they were all going to scream surprise but I was wrong. JJ jumped out from behind the door all excited like she WOULD have screamed surprise, but everyone was silent. When we had a surprise party for Smee earlier this year that’s what happened and it’s become a bit of a running joke. I far preferred that to a bunch of people screaming. Before I had a chance to get all the way in the door to Smee and Guy’s room, Smee screamed “SURPRISE” from right behind me in the hallway…AND he was naked (except for his robe). I nearly jumped out of my skin. Guy gave me his most beautiful Mardi Gras beads (he went over February break). JJ and Mim gave me a giant bag of waffle pretzels and a jar of Nutella. I just discovered this amazing substance a few weeks ago and I am obsessed. (Yes, that’s what I ate for breakfast this morning!)

Today was a completely different story. Right after I woke up I got a text from mom asking when my church started and ended. I told her (but didn’t end up going because I wasn’t feeling so great). When we spoke on the phone on Saturday she had forgotten a question that she wanted to ask me. I guess that she remembered because I got a text later this afternoon. “Since you backslid, have you rededicated yourself to Christ? Have you asked Him for forgiveness?”

Ummm, what??? I replied that I am really not equipped for that kind of conversation right now. She’s agreed to leave it alone “for now.” I turned around and wrote an email to Therapist about it including this response that I was hearing in my head. Apparently this is what angry sounds like (according to Therapist):

I did it without you. Nothing you did kept me from drinking or doing drugs. You didn’t set limits that kept me from getting into trouble. I kept myself out of trouble. You weren’t strong enough to be there for me when I needed you, so I took care of myself and you too. You didn’t care about going to church when I was a kid. I asked to go, and then hen our family didn’t find a new church in Frederick county, I went out and found my own again. You didn’t keep me safe when dad got angry. I just learned to mimic you and keep silent and try not to be noticed. You downplayed the situation when he threw or kicked the animals. “Oh honey, your father used to be so much worse before you were born. He’s calmed down a lot.” SO WHAT!?! Calmer doesn’t mean calm; it just means less scary than he used to be. I didn’t have anything to compare him to. Even if I did, I shouldn’t have had to be happy with “calmer than before.” You should have done something. Nothing you did fixed my eating disorder. Actually, that’s a lie. You cried and the guilt drove me to get it under control myself. Do you have any idea how many suicide attempts you did NOT protect me from? Not just yours and his. I had a couple of my own. Like over 350 ibuprophen, a couple of tylenol 3s, and a handful of cold/allergy pills at once. It didn’t even make me nauseous or tired. You didn’t have a clue what was happening in my life because you were too wrapped up in the misery of yours. I had no boundaries. I had no parents for that matter. I raised myself up and turned out just fine. Yes I have problems, but I’m actually strong enough to work through mine. You couldn’t take care of me then, so what right do you have to try to interfere in my life now? If I want to be saved, I’ll do that myself too.

Now that that’s over for a while…

I am having a nuclear bone scan done tomorrow. I’m not really worried about it, but I am anxious to have some answers. I sprained my ankle pretty badly about three weeks ago and it’s still swollen. It doesn’t really hurt to walk anymore, but it hurts a lot to press on the bone. The doctor is looking for some kind of fracture that isn’t showing up on x-rays. Hopefully this will tell us once and for all what is going on.


~ by Kj on March 1, 2010.

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