Still here

I am still alive although I didn’t feel much like I wanted to be last night. It felt like the world was crashing down around me. I’ve been basically living in a numb shell since Wednesday, and I guess it cracked.

I’m having a very hard time with all of the things that I cannot do at the moment. To some extent, this surprises me because I’m usually all about the “can’s.” Maybe it’s reasonable though. My life turned upside down this week. Having such poor eyesight at the moment is really difficult for me. I didn’t know how much I relied on it until it conked out. I actually do use my eyes to read lips because my hearing isn’t 100%, but I don’t usually notice it. Now I suddenly find myself saying “what?” every few minutes when I can’t figure it out. Background noise is also bothering me a lot more.

My dance teacher has been awesome about staying connected with me and trying to make sure that I am okay. She is going to my spinal tap tomorrow with me and then keeping me at her house all day. I didn’t realize when she first offered that I would have to be on my back for 8 hours after, but she still wants me to stay there. She’s asked me to stay the night. I feel like a huge imposition, but I’m still grateful to have people who care that much.

I’m not looking forward to the procedure. I really don’t want anything going into my spine. It’s in that protected little space for a reason. Nothing supposed to go in there. I understand the reasons why, but I still wish that there was another way. At least they finally took the IV line out yesterday. I was really tired of walking around with a tube attached to my hand and all of the attendant questions. “What happened to your hand?” “Is your wrist okay?” “Weren’t you just on crutches a couple weeks ago and now you’re hand’s all bandaged up?” I’m very glad that is over.

Last night the frustration and stress really got to me. I know that I posted earlier that both Therapist and Counselor are on vacation. I’ve had other people to talk to this week, but I don’t want to burn people out. The Junior class was throwing a party last night that I’ve been looking forward to since last semester, but I wasn’t feeling well enough to go. A lot of my friends were going though. I wasn’t in a good mood and felt like I was ruining their fun so I didn’t want to rely on them when I fell apart last night. The dance teacher was hosting a dinner party and my mother is asleep at 9 pm (unwakable through the sleeping meds). The always available option is the counselor’s crisis line (her organization has one), but I didn’t know what to say. I cried until I eventually just fell asleep and woke back up in the blessed numbness.

Right now the numbness is like a shield. In a large way it’s protecting me from the frustrations of life that I just can’t handle right now. Yesterday, I emailed a TA for one of my classes for help because I’ve missed one class, will still miss one or two more, and am missing tons of notes from the classes I have attended because I can’t read and write fast enough to keep up. Her suggestion was that I print out the slides (had already done that), read the book and take down notes (had already read the assigned chapters before my eyesight went), and ask her any additional questions. Problem? I’m sure I could do all of that, but the time factor becomes a huge issue. I emailed her back saying that I can’t see and that’s a huge part of the problem. She’ll meet with me. I hope she can actually be helpful. Another of my classes is doing a huge art installation project (complete with video and projectors and old television sets). One of the backgrounds for projection is a big sheet of origami cranes. I know how to do origami and have been for years. However, I neglected to consider how much harder it would be to do when I can’t see well at all. I had to order the origami paper and couldn’t figure out the shipping and handling. I ended up asking a friend to do all of the computer stuff because I just couldn’t figure out the buttons. I wanted the paper by tomorrow so I could work on it while I was stuck flat on my back, but it won’t come in until the end of this week or the beginning of next. So much for that plan. I also fell apart last night because I can’t clean my house at the moment. My kitchen floor was/is covered with cat litter. I pulled out the broom to sweep it, but kept stepping in cat litter anyways. I just couldn’t see what I’d swept and what I hadn’t and still kept missing it even when I swept in nice neat rows. I also have a ton of laundry to do and the idea of it overwhelms me.

I’m glad to have the numbness back. All of those things had me falling apart last night and today they don’t seem nearly as bad. I still don’t know how to deal with any of them, but I also just don’t care anymore. I really hope that Therapist gets back from vacation soon and decides to read his email. I do need someone who just gets how big this is. We’re narrowing down on diagnoses. The only ones that I know are left on the table are Cat Scratch Fever (least likely), Multiple Sclerosis, and an idiopathic cause (unknown reasons). I hope I can hold onto the numb for the next week.

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~ by Kj on March 14, 2010.

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