Apparently I’m totally clueless about myself. I actually believed that I was ready for a relationship. I really thought that I was in an okay place and that I could be a partner to someone else. OH BOY was I wrong about that.

First, I can’t do it emotionally. I am completely disconnected from my emotions and cannot stand to be called out on that. Apparently I do actually express emotions (a revelation to me), but I don’t know that I do and couldn’t tell you what I’m feeling at any given time. If I happen to be displaying some emotion and someone tells me that I seem (insert emotion here), my instant reaction is to run as fast and far as I can. Not connecting to emotions is protective somehow, and I don’t know that I can change that right now. How can I connect to another person if I can’t even connect to myself?

I’ve also discovered that I don’t really like to be touched. Hugs are great, but that’s about as far as I go. I’ve had an old friend visiting me for almost two weeks, and I can’t wait until he goes home. He’s supposed to come back to visit some time over the summer and I’m already dreading it. He likes to tickle me or grab my feet or pull me over or any number of things like that. I can’t stand it. Today he kept grabbing and pulling on my feet and then put his cold hands up the legs of my pants and just held on to my calves. Then he kept trying to put the power cord to my laptop between my toes. He thought he could make me smile, but I just got more and more frustrated and annoyed. What I’ve discovered is that I need complete control over physical contact. With him, I sometimes feel like I have no control over my own body and I can’t stand it. Again, how can I expect to have a relationship with someone if I can’t stand to be touched unless it is my choice? The other person would spend so much time feeling rejected when they moved in and I pulled away.

I don’t want to be alone, but I also realized that I need a lot of my own space. I’ve spent the past 12 days with someone constantly in my space and I’m going stir crazy. I want to be able to sleep and eat without worrying about someone else. I want to be able to take time out to just sit by myself and read. I thought I was ready, but I’m not.

Now I have to find a way to tell my “friend” who’s visiting and has hopes of starting a relationship. He’s not ready either, but he doesn’t realize that.

On top of all of my “internal” problems with a relationship right now, he and I have some serious compatibility issues. For one, I am really compulsive about a lot of silly things. I don’t deny that I’m quite a clutter bug, but there are many things that I need to be in perfect order. When playing cards, they need to be perfectly stacked. Books need to be perfectly in order. I cannot stand to break the spine on a book. The blankets on the bed have to be facing the right direction and the pillows have to be in the correct order. He is not like that at all, and many of the “disordered” things that he does drive me completely nuts. I’m also a bookworm. I love to read and learn. I’m an intellectual and have that kind of sense of humor. Slapstick is amusing and I enjoy watching it, but I don’t engage in it. I tend to deliver lines deadpan, and it’s funny if you get it. He doesn’t, and I don’t relate to his sense of humor either. He’s also very high-strung. It doesn’t take much to annoy him or get on his nerves. I’m very sensitive to other people’s moods, probably because I had to be as a child. My stress level has been through the roof since he’s been here because every little thing seems to get him cussing and I’m always on edge waiting for the “big blow up.” With him, I know it’s not coming because he’d internalize it before ever acting it out. However, that doesn’t change my immediate reaction and hypervigilence.

I just have to get through Tuesday afternoon. That’s only four more days. Then I can spend some time figuring all of this out.



~ by Kj on May 21, 2010.

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