My baby-clock is ticking

I’m nearly 30 and lately my “baby-clock” has been ticking loudly. I just want a family, and I’m starting to feel that if I don’t do something about it soon I’ll miss out completely. Problem 1 is that I have no long-term prospects. I am single and probably will be for quite a while. Luckily that doesn’t completely prevent me from having children these days, but it does make it a lot more complicated (and possibly expensive).

Problem 2 is a little bit more complicated, but still solvable. I would be a single mother in college. I still have a lot of school to finish. I have two more years as an undergrad (from right now), and then at least 5 years in either graduate school or medical school…and possibly longer. I know that I would be a good mother and would devote my life to that child, but trying to do all of that might be a little bit crazy.

Finally, I have DID. That would seem like the obvious number 1 wouldn’t it?  It’s not for me these days. I know that I still have a lot of problems (and some pretty severe denial), but we don’t switch much. Much of that “stability” is due to more recent traumas, but the result is still positive. In general, I am far more stable than I have been in many years, don’t engage in self-destructive behaviors anymore, and handle life pretty well. Unfortunately, I don’t have much communication or any co-consciousness. I know that is a necessity if I were to have a child.

One of the primary reasons not to have a child with DID is because the switching is out of control and you never know whether an adult will be available to care for the child during a crisis or other time of need. I don’t have that problem. Another reason would be the inconsistencies. If I am inconsistent in my parenting and my child never knows what to expect from me, that creates a very unhealthy situation and parent-child relationship. Also, if my child sees me coping with stress through dissociation, my child will learn to cope with stress that way. Although my mother didn’t have DID, I know that I learned dissociation from her. Do I want to risk creating such problems for my child?

At least I do not do “lights on, nobody home” anymore. When I dissociate now it is at will. I do not simply zone out under stress. Much of that is also due to more recent traumas in my life. Dissociating became dangerous so  I learned not to do it spontaneously anymore.

One additional risk of having a child while I still have DID is the increased risk of triggers. What if that child reaches an age where I was abused before I’ve recovered or dealt with those memories? How big of a trigger will that be? How much control will the system have over switching then? How able will I be to put being a mother first?

I feel this incredible need, but so many things stand in my way.

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~ by Kj on June 10, 2010.

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