What now?????

Therapy was moving along well for a while, and then things just stopped. Therapist kept hitting wall after wall after wall. That is not his fault, and I know that it must get exhausting. He kept pushing me to take some step in some direction, and I finally did. (See post “https://kjsspace.wordpress.com/2010/06/06/finding-my-study-group/“). I collaged and thought that we were again going to get somewhere in therapy. BUT…we just stalled again almost immediately after.

I finally conceded that I had to really pursue bringing the others back (rebuilding some kind of cooperative system). Therapist asks, “what next?” I had just taken this huge step (or at least it felt huge to me) and I hadn’t even begun to think about what might come after such a momentous concession on my part. I’ve been holding on so tight to the life that I’ve built, terrified that accepting the others might jeopardize it, that I hadn’t thought about anything. I had no answer. I replied via email that I had no answer. He said he would listen if I needed to “talk” (email really) it out. I sent a reply that I thought echoed my feelings so well. I don’t connect to emotion much, but I felt confused and a bit desperate. I needed him to give me some idea of what direction I should think in to possibly figure out the next step.

I didn’t get what I wanted or needed from his reply. I know that it is hard to have difficult conversations via email because you can’t gauge the emotions or intentions of the sender. I meant it one way, he took it another. I still hear my original intentions when I read the email the same way that I did when I checked it for errors before sending it. Maybe I really did sound angry, but I certainly didn’t feel angry at the time. Maybe he misread. Things might have gone better if I had explicitly said that I needed some direction. In the end, the mights and maybes don’t matter. The point is that the email conversation went downhill and now I don’t know what to do at all.

I’ve said many times that I do not feel capable of starting over with a completely new therapist yet again. I just can’t handle it. It takes me so long to be able to really trust someone on a level where I can begin to actually share who I am. I am reluctant to throw away this therapeutic relationship because it generally is helpful. I know I challenge him, and I feel bad about that. Overall, though, we have a pretty solid relationship (or had).

This whole email issue has me doubting whether I even want to be in therapy right now. I have to clarify that this isn’t because I do not want to be doing therapy at all. I just feel like the things that I have to do at this point can’t be accomplished by sitting across from someone in an office. I am the only one who can establish communication and co-consciousness (or we are anyways). I don’t know what the next step is, but I feel like therapy won’t get any better unless I am in a different place. What good is therapy when I am perpetually stuck? Maybe if I can take some time away and work on some of those things that only I can do, I can return when I am in a different place and therapy will actually have a chance at working again.

Another reason that I want time away is that I don’t fully trust Therapist right now with my thoughts and feelings. I don’t know that I can actually talk to him until I have some time to get over this hurt (or, more probably, bury it where it is not so immediate…at least I’m honest with myself, right?). Is there any good reason to go and sit in his office when the only thing I can say to him is, “Nope, I still don’t know what the next step is,” and then spend the next 50 minutes staring blankly at the wallpaper, the area rug,  or the tree outside? I can’t think of a single reason to do that; it would be a complete waste of both his time and mine.

I haven’t come to any conclusions yet, but I am leaning toward time away. That may not be in my best long-term interest, but I honestly don’t really care. I don’t feel comfortable right now, and don’t see how the discomfort can be the least bit productive. I sent him an email, and then another. I asked Therapist to call (hopefully before the day of our next appointment). If he doesn’t by then, I have a back-up plan. I have no intention of sitting in that office again until we’ve spoken on the phone.

I sure wish this was easier. It’s completely thrown me for a loop. If I felt like I was floating before with no history to ground me…now I don’t feel like I have much of a present to ground me in reality either. Have to find something to which I can tie my balloon string before I float away.

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~ by Kj on June 19, 2010.

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