Gambling everything

I finally realized today (with a little bit of help) why I am so afraid of and resistant to healing. Healing means gambling with my life.

I don’t mean to imply that healing is life or death. However, I do have to put the life that I’ve built for myself on the line. I haven’t had much co-consciousness or communication for years. I used to have a lot, but “things” happened that just shut me down. In that time, I’ve managed to really pull some good things together and I’ve learned how, to an extent, manage life on my own. I am in school with good grades moving toward my first degree. I have a very good chance of getting into grad school straight out of college. I am working on finding a stable long-term relationship. I have friends who care about me and many people who respect me.

Healing means putting all of that on the line. I don’t switch much these days. What will I be opening up to if I try to rebuild co-consciousness and communication? I can’t even begin to articulate everything. The risk is huge, and so is the potential pay-off. I just don’t believe that my chances of reaching the pay-off are big enough to justify the risk. I stand to lose my reputation as a competent person, my future in grad school, a chance at a stable relationship and family. Too much is on the line.

I desperately want to get to the other end, to be healthy and happy, to be complete. However, I don’t want to lose everything I’ve built to get there. I can’t assume that the others won’t interfere in what I have going on, or that they will be supportive and allow me to continue my pursuits. They have no investment in it and it doesn’t meet their needs. I did these things because they met my needs, but I have ho idea how my current life and the others fit together. They may simply not fit together at all.

Is it possible to heal without putting everything on the line?

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~ by Kj on July 14, 2010.

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