Crashing waves

Have you ever been to the ocean? One of the most fun things is to go out a little ways, to a sandbar if you’re lucky, and ride the waves. If you have somewhat large waves that aren’t cresting, it’s fun to jump just as they reach you and let them carry you in to shore. If, on the other hand, they are cresting, you dive under them and then find your place back on the sandbar. Although it’s a lot of fun, it isn’t necessarily the safest activity. I remember doing it once and coming up too late after diving under a wave. When I stood up on the sand bar I was facing the beach and didn’t see the wave that almost immediately crashed over my head. I got caught in a circular tide (I think they’re called longshore currents) and spun around and around. Eventually the current threw me out, but not until it had carried me several hundred feet down the beach.

That is life right now. I feel caught in that tumbling current. I know it’s taking me somewhere, but I doubt that it’s anywhere good. I feel powerless to escape it. I know that fighting it only seems to keep me here longer, so I feel like I just have to wait it out.

I just mentioned to the counselor yesterday that I don’t deal with switching from triggers anymore, but that I think it is more an effect of the system being pretty shut down than the fact that I don’t have them anymore. I still get random PTSD symptoms that last for a while and then go away again. It’s like riding the waves. I just have to let it carry me until it’s finished, and then I can get back to shore and move on with life. The “random PTSD symptoms” started again yesterday evening. I found myself feeling kind of self-destructive (read: SI urges), depressed, and anxious. Last night I was afraid to go to sleep. I had to leave the lights on and turn on music to be able to finally fall asleep. I don’t know exactly what set it off. It might have been the meeting with the counselor yesterday, but it could easily have been something else.

I know I’m being bitchy to the roommate, but I don’t know how to explain it. I can apologize, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. I feel awful about that, but I really don’t know how to stop it. For the moment, I am staying mostly in my bedroom. It’s just easier that way.

Can I go through life this way? I want to say that I can so I don’t have to actually do the work. In the end, though, I get the feeling that I am actually risking my future this way just as much as I would be if I tried to get communication back (see gambling post from yesterday). Is being moody and anxious and depressed and whatever else really better than the alternative? It is in the short-term because these periods are somewhat predictable. They don’t last too long (a few weeks at most) and they don’t really interrupt my life. Triggers and switching would be far more disruptive in the short-term. However, I could eventually learn to manage the triggers and organize the switching. I don’t know that I could even get to a point where I could prevent or minimize the personal disruption of the random PTSD symptoms.

This is all just way too complicated. I’m awful at decision-making.

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~ by Kj on July 15, 2010.

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