Coming out

I met a really great guy recently. We have a ton in common and he definitely stands to fill the currently vacant role of best friend if things keep up like this. Unfortunately, we’ve now come to the place where I’m going to have to come clean about my “secret.” I don’t want to keep investing a lot in this relationship unless I am sure that he can really deal with DID and the stuff that it can bring along. I am already finding myself pulling back from him, afraid that I’ll get too attached and it will hurt too much when he bolts (which I assume he will…even though I have no evidence for that conclusion).

I’ve had a lot of bad experiences in telling people about it. I’ve had people learn to call out alters (during a period when I was barely managing to stay out anyways). I’ve had others who simply couldn’t deal and made me feel guilty for not being different (read: ‘fixed’). I’ve had others who said they could deal with it, but wanted me to be out always. I’ve just been burned a lot.

Telling him is a huge risk for me. I like him a lot, and I don’t want to ruin it. On the other hand, I know that if I don’t tell him, I’ll continue to pull back out of fear and that will ruin it anyways. At least if I tell him there’s a chance that I’ll still have a good friend. We had a conversation early Thursday morning (when we got out of work we went and talked for what was supposed to be a few hours and ended up lasting until sunrise) about disability. He sees a lot of people who are on disability who have the ability to work and isn’t too happy about the state of things. I am on disability and I am afraid that might be enough of a deal-breaker for him. In some ways I am very highly functional. School is the only memory that I have all of and have never forgotten. School is where my skill set falls. When I am in school (working on my first Bachelors degree now), I appear highly functional. When I am not in school, and am instead working, I am far less functional. Granted, I do not decompensate to the point that I used to when I was spending half of the year in a psych ward, but I still have a lot of problems.

I don’t want to have to have this conversation, but I’d rather get it over with than constantly wonder how he might react if the secret comes out.

This is going to be one rough afternoon.

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~ by Kj on August 6, 2010.

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