Worrying too much

I was going back and reading a few recent blog posts. I really do worry far too much sometimes. I was terrified of telling ‘the guy’ about having DID and totally ignored the fact that I had absolutely no reason to think that he would react negatively to it like others have in the past. In fact, I ignored all of the evidence to the contrary suggesting that he would actually respond very well to it. He told me not to worry so much. I worried a lot. Guess how it all turned out and who was right? Yep…it definitely wasn’t me.

Once we got past that, I started worrying that I would have feelings and he wouldn’t reciprocate. Again, I ignored all of the external cues. He was definitely interested (and still is), and he kept demonstrating that on a regular basis. I convinced myself that I was misinterpreting things and applying meaning to his actions that he didn’t actually intend. I believed that I had imagined all of the meaning behind his gestures. I stopped letting myself have feelings because I didn’t want to feel anything for him if it wasn’t reciprocal. He was showing me all the time how he felt, and I turned it into an excuse to back away and keep some distance. He told me not to worry so much and to take it at face value. I took his advice and everything moved forward wonderfully.

One more worry was dispatched and another stepped in to take its place. Everything feels so intense and is moving at such speed that I got worried that it would just burn itself out. It feels like a whirlwind romance. I’m starting to realize the difference between that and our situation though. In a whirlwind romance, people fall in love with how they feel around each other. Partners don’t really know each other yet, but they act like they’ve found ‘the one.’ He and I spent the first couple of days getting to know each other intensively. We built a very strong foundation of trust in a very short period of time. I know that I can tell him anything and the worst response I’m likely to get is that he needs some time to adjust to it. That may not feel great in the moment, but it’s still fantastic. I can honestly say that I know a lot about his personal and family histories, his education, his beliefs and philosophies, and his interests. I think that he knows nearly as much about me. I fell for him as a person first. The “romance” came later.

I’m going to stop worrying now (actually stopped sometime early yesterday morning…but I’m not letting another swoop in to take its place this time). I’m really enjoying the ride. If it burns out quickly and the foundation I think is there turns out to have been my imagination, then I have great memories and probably a very good friend. I am happy, and I have no interest in letting worry steal that away from me.

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~ by Kj on August 10, 2010.

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