Calming down

I posted earlier right after I ended things with Therapist. While it’s true that self-injury is my first instinct during times of intense stress, I managed not to go through with it. I still feel pretty cruddy, but I’m not feeling the pain of it as intensely as I was earlier. I doubt I’ll come through it completely unscathed, but I’m pretty sure I’ll come through it alive.

Therapy ended because it wasn’t going anywhere. For the third time in less than a year we ended up having a conversation about what we could actually DO in therapy. We don’t get anywhere and always end up talking about why I’m afraid to take some step in therapy. No matter how much we talk about it and try to find ways around it, we always end up back in the same place. It just isn’t worth wasting time right now.

The benefits simply do not outweigh the costs. Right now I stand to potentially lose a lot in the if I open Pandora’s box of memories and crap, but I don’t stand to gain much of anything in the short-term. Eventually, I expect that life will start to get triggering and all of the dreams that I’ll manage to make come true will be at risk unless I do the work. Currently though, that simply isn’t the case. I can’t think of any reasons to force myself to do the work now…and the harder I try to force myself, the worse everything seems to get.

The harder I try to open things up in therapy, the busier and more overwhelmed I get with life. I take on more and more to avoid the things I am trying to dig up. It’s a catch 22, and it’s dangerous. I hate feeling like a failure for not being able to push through this (that is how I feel and no amount of talking about how I’m just not ready changes it).

I’m just very confused right now, and exhausted, and overwhelmed. I did something good for myself tonight and that helped a little bit, but I still feel like a hot mess on the inside. Everything feels scrambled and I’m not exactly what steps to take next. I’m still raw, but I’m starting to go numb…

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~ by Kj on September 23, 2010.

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